What are the most important things parents and carers should know when talking to their children about this issue?

• Remain calm and collected when you speak to your child; be reassuring and listen closely to what they have to say. If they have questions, let them ask and answer them. Always give accurate information.
• Don’t be alarmist and try not to frighten your child. Scare tactics can work against you as they can create such fear in the child he/she will not be able to take on board the safety messages.
• Try to engage openly with your child on all topics – especially this one. If your child feels comfortable about talking to you there is much more chance that if anything did happen they would feel able to tell you about it.
• Most sexual attacks on children are not carried out by strangers, sadly the majority are committed by a person the child knows and may even love. So instilling stranger danger messages can be unhelpful.
• Where ever possible, create opportunities to check out if your child has understood the messages and can act on them if necessary. The more you are able to incorporate these messages into a child’s daily life the more chance they take them on board and use the information.
• Tell your child what to do if they are in a difficult situation. Explain to them that in the circumstances it is OK for them to shout for help, yell or make loud noises. It is also important they feel they can tell what happened afterwards, so the more comfortable they are with the messages and you the better.
• Include older children when you are talking about personal safety. Older children may be better able to look after themselves but it is still important for them to know what they can do and who they can turn to for help.

What are the most important things parents and carers should tell their children about this issue?

• Children should always tell a parent, carer or trusted adult where they are going and with whom; if somebody gives them gifts or offers to buy things for them; and they should never go off with anyone without checking first. This applies to older children too.
• If possible, it is always better for children to have a friend with them when they got out to play or head off on an adventure.
• Let the child know that no adult has the right to make them feel sad, uncomfortable, embarrassed or ashamed – even you. If they are feeling this way they can say no and should try to get away as quickly as possible. They should seek out someone they trust and tell them what’s happened.
• All children have the right to feel safe. If they do not feel safe they should feel able to ask for help and to keep asking until they get the assistance they need.

What is the biggest myth surrounding this issue?

• The biggest myth surrounding child sexual abuse is that it is carried out by strangers – evil monsters who spend their lives preying on children. The majority of sexual attacks on children are carried out by people known to the victims. They may be a trusted member of the community, a baby sitter, piano teacher or sports coach or they might be the child’s uncle, brother, father, grandpa, mother, sister or aunt.

What advice would you offer parents and carers who wanted to talk to their children about this issue?

• Be calm and pick your time. Be honest with your child and give clear accurate information. If there is something in the news or something has happened locally, this might be the perfect opportunity for you to talk to your child. Explain to the child why it is important for them to know the safety rules but also that they should not be frightened as they can always talk to you about anything. Try to build in extra support for your child so they know there is always someone they can talk to and ask for help or advice.

Create a Family Safety Plan…

If you are concerned about keeping your child safe from sexual abuse, this is your chance to create a safer environment and a support network for everyone in your family. We talk about risk factors – what puts someone at risk to sexually abuse a child but we must also talk about protective factors – the things a family can do to keep the family safer.
Protective factors are the building blocks of your family.

Educate Everyone in the Family:

• Understand healthy sexual development in children as well as the sexual behaviours that may be of concern to you as a parent/carer.
• Learn the warning signs of a child who may have been hurt by sexual abuse as well as the warning signs in an adult, adolescent or child who may be touching a child in a sexual way. Your concerns may be about non-touching behaviours as well (e.g. showing pornography to a child).
• Teach children the proper names for body parts and what to do if someone tries to touch them in a sexual way. Remember to let young children know that no one has the right to touch their private parts (unless for medical reasons) and that they should not touch anyone else’s private parts.

Open the Lines of Communication:

• Whether talking with a child, adolescent, or adult, about sexualized behaviours or your concerns, the conversation is just a beginning and not a one-time event.
• Let everyone in the family know it is OK to ask questions. It is important for adults to set the tone for everyone by talking about the range of healthy sexual behaviours and speaking up about sexual abuse.

Set Clear Family Boundaries:

• Talk about and set clear family boundaries with family members and with other adults who spend time around or supervise the children (e.g., if a child does not want to hug or kiss someone hello or goodbye then he or she can shake hands instead).
• If a child is not comfortable with a particular adult or older child then you or some other adult must let that person know (e.g., tell him or her that you don’t want your child to sit on his/her lap).
• As a child matures, boundaries within the home may need to change as well (e.g., knock on the door before entering the room of an adolescent).

Get Safe Adults Involved:

• Be sure that no one in your family is isolated. Identify one or more support people for every member of the family.
• Research shows that one of the key factors in a child’s resilience (ability to bounce back after stressful events) is that he/she had someone to talk with and confide in. Be a safe, responsible and consistent resource person for a child or adolescent.
• If someone is “too good to be true” then ask more questions – this friend or family member may not be a safe person for your child. Unfortunately, unconditional trust cannot protect children from harm.

Know your local resources and how to use them:

• We have listed national and local resources to call for advice, information and help on the Contacts page.
• Learn about the agencies in your area. Know who to call to make a report if you learn that a child has been sexually abused.

Care enough to reach out for help:

• If you are concerned about the sexualized behaviours in a parent, cousin, sibling, friend, or neighbour, care enough to talk with them. If you are concerned about your own thoughts and feelings towards children, help is available.
• Call the Stop It Now! Helpline on 0808 1000 900 to learn more about the resources in your community.
• Make sure everyone knows that it’s OK to talk with you about what may have already happened – that you love them and will help them. For additional resources or for advice on developing your Family Safety Plan, call our Helpline on 0808 1000 900.

We have also developed some SMART Rules for you. Use these as a prompt for yourself and to help you go through safety rules with your children.

Click at the top for the Rules in a pdf printable format.

SMARTenough? and Stop it Now! UK and Ireland would like to thank Stop it Now! in the USA and all of its partners for allowing the use of its materials and resources.